Have you ever found “love at first sight”? I certainly have, and it FAILED MISERABLY!!
You see, I’ve realized through not only my experiences but also the experiences of others, that many people fantasize about finding love at first sight much like Romeo and Juliet did. However, is love at first sight actually realistic? You’re about to find out!
Hey everyone! Sorry for being inactive lately. I have been very busy with school as well as finding ways to improve your experiences with my website. For now, I bring you another philosophical rant of mine!
Please keep in mind that this post is not meant to offend any person or couple. It is strictly informative.
What’s The Difference Between Lust And Love?
After having many failed relationships in the past, I turned to science to find out more about what love actually is having never experienced it in a healthy way. The truth about love is that it’s very complex, and it’s about more than just the physical attraction to another person, or in other words, lust. Lust is known as one of the 7 deadly sins, and it’s defined as an intense sexual desire or appetite. However, it’s perfectly natural (as explained by our parents when we started puberty!). Lol. Luckily, science does confirm that! Let’s take a look at my diagram below, which is directly from Chapter 15 of my book.
Basically, lust, or “physical attraction”, is the initial part of finding love. Let’s face it, we don’t go after people we are not particularly attracted to. This is because, on a basic animalistic level, we want to find the best mates to reproduce with and ensure we pass on our genes with a partner who also has good genes to ensure the survival of our offspring and our species as a whole. This is why when we see an attractive person across the bar, the first thought that comes to mind is probably, “I’d tap that!” Unfortunately, the human world is far more complex than the animal kingdom, so we have to take other factors into consideration before it can be what I consider “love beyond lust.”
When I first did scientific research on the topic of love, I learned from Laci Green (from D News) that love comes in 3 stages: lust, attraction, and attachment. Lust, like I already mentioned, is the intense physical attraction at the beginning, Attraction is when those intense feelings linger as two people get to know each other better, and Attachment is when intensity tends to diminish, and a couple can actually build a healthy life together and rely on one another. To learn more about this, please check out Laci Green’s video here.
Beyond Just Physical Attraction!
Referring back to my diagram above, once physical attraction is established, a couple must establish mutual trust, mutual respect, and mutual loyalty. In order for a relationship to be healthy, it is essential that both people treat each other properly and respect one another. Otherwise, it’s a toxic relationship that is very likely to either fail or result in long-term resentment, misery, and physical ailments. Let’s face it, if someone mistreats you, no matter how physically attractive they are, you will not be happy and they will drive you crazy. Remember, a hot body doesn’t make up for a hot head.
So I Can Just Be Happy With Someone Who’s Nice And Attractive?
Whoa, slow down there! Nice and attractive is essential, but aside from those, there are other key components to a healthy and successful relationship. It’s not enough to find each other attractive and be nice to one another; couples need to have common grounds and complementary attributes in order to last long-term and be happy. Common grounds, as depicted in the diagram, are things such as common interests, common goals, common values, common beliefs. Without these common grounds, couples could be holding each other back from expressing themselves to the fullest. In addition to common grounds, complementary attributes are different attributes, usually opposite of one another, that allow couples to sort of balance each other out. A good generic example would be if one was good at cooking and cleaning, and the other was good at regular house maintenance, they could team up and do that for one another.
What If I Can’t Make My Partner Happy?
The other thing we must consider is that each person is only responsible for his or her own happiness. In other words, if you cannot make someone happy, you are not the problem, the problem is with the other person. A prerequisite to finding love is finding one’s self. It’s imperative to know who you are, what you truly want in life, and to have a healthy level of respect for yourself. Remember, you don’t want to build on a weak foundation.
What If I Don’t Love Myself Like I Should?
In addition to that, I also did research on some non-drug related addictions relative to this topic such as sex addiction, love addiction, and codependency. Sadly, especially with sex addicts, there is a negative connotation in our society that all male sex addicts are perverts, pigs, fuck boys, porn freaks, and sometimes even pedophiles. Males aren’t the only victims, in fact, many female sex addicts are looked at as sluts, whores, hoes, skanks, etc. What I learned in my research is that the root cause of these kinds of addictions (sex, love, and codependency) stem from feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, loneliness, and fear early in life. Many of these people feel isolated from family, friends, and even themselves.
Their biggest problem is that they do not know how to love properly; that’s a major common factor in sex addicts, love addicts, and the codependent. Since there are such imbalances and a lack of psychological needs early on, they often want more than what one person can give. This is why many of their relationships fail and the vicious circle continues. So, next time you think of calling that man a disgusting pervert or that woman a trashy slut, don’t do it because if you do, you will be hurting a helpless victim who was most likely abused or neglected as a child. If you find yourself struggling with any of these issues, you can go to these resources for sex addiction, love addiction, and/or codependency.
Next time you think of calling that man a disgusting pervert or calling that woman a trashy slut, don’t do it because if you do, you will be hurting a helpless victim who was most likely abused or neglected as a child.
What Should I Do Now?
Before I go, I just wanted to inform people that love is supposed to be a wonderful experience. If it’s not, that person is not right for you. However, this does not mean that broken things can’t always be fixed, it just takes both people to fix it because each person in the relationship only has 50% control. If both people in that relationship are willing to put 100% into each of their 50%’s, the relationship can be repaired. If not, worst case scenario, it may be time to let go. To learn more about the best ways to end a relationship, please check out my other blog post.